In a recent study, scientists combed the Earth looking for an elusive creature spoken of only in hushed voices over dimly-lit campfires and mostly-empty water coolers (didn’t someone tell Steve to replace that? Steve, come on man it’s your turn).  Referred to colloquially as “A Good Boss” and scientifically as Notdouchebaginus Zeromicromanaginicus, scientists found this creature to be startlingly common.  The important caveat was that satisfaction with one’s boss is highly correlated with income, meaning the more you make, the more you’re willing to put up with.  For those of us making under $75,000 a year, our boss is more likely a person who makes the already unpleasant activity of working in an office that much more miserable.  But anyone who’s had a terrible boss can attest that it’s not just the yelling, patronizing, or coming into work to find a giant steaming dump on your keyboard.  The worst part is the Orwellian double-speak they obviously picked up from their more competent counterparts elsewhere and corrupted well beyond their original meaning. Phrases such as: 
 

“I want it done and I want it done yesterday!” 

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What they think it means: 
Despite the stereotype of the ineffectual, demanding boss, there are plenty of totalitarian taskmasters out there that are very good at running things.  Steve Jobs, for example, was notoriously demanding and unforgiving.  In a business setting, you need someone who can set a clear vision for the company, punish employees who don’t live up to that vision, and generally be the dynamo that powers the whole process.  Good examples of these types of bosses are often described as “hard, but fair” despite that phrase always sounding like a euphemism.  Unfortunately your terrible boss saw these other good bosses and learned the easiest and most evident, but also the most wrong lesson: being a good boss means being demanding, and nothing else. 

What it actually means:  “I forgot about this” 
For a variety of reasons, this phrase is particularly common in the financial industry.  Usually, because of the speed at which the industry hums along 24 hours a day, you’ll hear it on a trading floor because someone literally needed something yesterday.  Unfortunately, your terrible boss decided they want to flex their managerial muscles when something falls through the cracks (and something always falls through the cracks), so they spout this utterly meaningless phrase.  If you’re having a hard time understanding why this command can be so frustrating, let’s lay out what usually happens because of its maddening vagueness: 

Step 1: Terrible Boss says “I want it done, and I want it done yesterday!”
Step 2: Terrified employee asks for clarification, the boss yells the phrase again so as to appear bold and demanding
Step 3: Terrified employee thinks “Oh so this is my highest and most immediate priority”, and focuses only on this task to the exclusion of their other responsibilities
Step 3: Everyone wonders why nothing is getting done, but since they depend on Terrified Employee for a variety of responsibilities, they can’t finish their work
Step 4: Company grinds to a halt, Terrible Boss blames Terrified Employee for doing exactly what he was told to do
Step 5: Do not profit 

It’s easy to look at that set of steps and thing “Well, Terrified Employee should have known not to neglect their other responsibilities.”  This is true and you are right.  But, as we all need money to buy food, shelter, and filthy filthy porn (just kidding, no one pays for porn), Terrified Employee works well in excess of 40 hours a week and this is likely to happen almost every day.  Eventually, Pavlov and self-preservation kick in and make financially-ruined fools of us all. 

“I work all the time, so should you” 

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What they think it means: 
Anyone who’s worked in an office at a level above temp can tell you that “40 hours a week” is more of a weak guideline that will be curb-stomped and left for dead in a coffee-fueled rage on three hours of sleep in three days.  Weeks easily stretch to 60, 70, and 80+ plus hours, and that’s just what’s expected to justify the gobs of money you hope to make.  Believe it or not, this often pays off, as those low-level Analysts that stick it out frequently end up making more money than anyone under 35 should be trusted with.  The reason they were able to do this was usually because their boss led by example, putting in insane hours themselves, and always carrying their work phone even though it made them look like a douche when they set two Blackberries on the table at dinner.  In other words, it was a shared sacrifice based on mutual respect. 

What it actually means: “I don’t have to pick up the phone when you call, you do” 
First off, if your Terrible Boss honestly put in the long hours and hard work of the good bosses above, they likely don’t fall in to the Terrible Boss category.  More than likely, they don’t work that hard, they just say they do.  No one ever corrects them because, one, who’s going to call the boss lazy, and two, it allows everyone else to goof off with wilder abandon.  The expectation for how much work will get done is lowered because everyone’s in on the “Man I work so hard [opens Farmville]” joke. 

This isn’t the bad part.  The bad part is that the Terrible boss will leave early, take long lunches, and generally faff about because when something needs to get done, he can always put it off or make someone else do it.  He’s the boss like that.  (A good boss doesn’t abuse this privilege, but we’re not talking about them).  Except when he wants something done, you are expected to be on call 24/7 because you foolishly submitted to this charade so that you could browse Facebook and get paid for it.  Now while the lazy employee deserves some blame here, and indeed for all of the failures mentioned in this list, the fish rots from the head, as they say. 

“We need to hire a superstar”

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What they think it means: 
Everyone knows that person in the office.  The one that puts in the extra hours, goes the extra mile, and who wows and charms both clients and coworkers.  They are the drive shaft that makes the well-oiled engine of the company hum like a song.  They are rare, but with enough searching and careful cultivation, they can be found.  While a company needs so much more than a handful of superstars, often the sheer driving force of them will push quality and productivity up, inspiring employees and managers alike to work harder and better. 

What it actually means: “We are so fundamentally fucked” 
No superstar employee is going to fix a company that is already fundamentally broke, and if Terrible Boss even feels the need to utter this phrase, it usually is.  First off, superstars are there to be had, but because they’re so good they are usually incredibly expensive.  Second, even if you do manage to find a diamond in the rough, many of the company’s problems likely stem from the Terrible Boss herself.  No employee, even an extremely capable one, can get much done when they are being, say, micromanaged, harassed, and given confusing priorities.   

So when this phrase comes out of Terrible Boss’s mouth, it usually means something closer to “Everything is wrong. I don’t know how to fix it.  I don’t possesses the self-awareness to fix myself.  Let’s try to find someone to shift the responsibility on to”.  And in her mind, it sounds like she’s calling for high-powered, hard-charging, silicon valley corporate culture instead of meekly drowning in a lack of perception. 

“We are going to do this perfectly, no mistakes”

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What they think it means: 
Of course, every office strives for perfection on every project.  But here’s the thing, it is really, really hard to avoid the millions of mistakes that can get made every day.  Reams and reams of business literature have been written on how to ensure quality of the highest degree.  It often doesn’t involve working harder or more intensely, but putting into place the proper procedures to eliminate the most error-prone step of the process (that part is the humans…for now). 

What it actually means: “I will micromanage this shit into the ground” 
One of the biggest problems with Terrible Bosses is that a combination of arrogance and misguided good intentions frequently leads them to micromanage their employees.  This creates the perverse incentive where employees end up tailoring projects, products and procedures exactly to their Terrible Boss’s specifications, instead of improving on them when the opportunity presents itself.  The exacting nature of micromanaging also leads employees to shoot for the boss’s specifications, and no further.  This is because the first thing out of Terrible Boss’s mouth when shown a project isn’t “What can we improve here?” or “Oh that’s interesting, what was the idea behind this?”.  It’s usually more along the lines of “Why didn’t you do what I said?” 

This is the result of the Terrible Boss wanting and demanding perfection, but not realizing that unless he is Steve Jobs or an OCD genius, he is going to miss things.  And the harder he tries to control more of the process, the less responsibility employees will feel to double check themselves or, god forbid, innovate on top of Terrible Boss’s design.  Ironically, shooting for perfection is worse in this scenario than shooting for “as good as we can do”, because Terrible Boss will have fewer chances to mess things up.  More importantly, employees will be responsible for their own slice of the project, meaning if something goes wrong they don’t have the excuse of “I just did what you told me”, and a productive conversation about what went wrong and how to prevent it in the future can ensue. 

“Summarize it for me” (Alternately, “Bulletpoints”) 

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What they think it means: 
As boring as they are, regular updates and progress reports are important to make sure everyone is on the same page, time doesn’t get wasted working on overlapping areas of a project, and the boss — who is likely overseeing many teams simultaneously — knows what is going on.  A good boss keeps up to date with the reports, comments on the progress, and addresses problem areas.  This is all really basic stuff. 

What it actually means:  “I will never read this” 
Unfortunately, if your boss actually kept abreast of what was going on and tried to address problems, he wouldn’t be terrible.  Not only do most of your e-mails sit unread in his inbox, he will often call you later to ask for a verbal summary.  Worst of all, when something goes wrong (and it will), you will ineffectually point to your numerous e-mails on the subject, to which your Terrible boss will reply “you should have called me”.
   
It is frustrating because with a Terrible Boss the real problem will never get addressed, but to make things even worse it turns out that your boss is actually speaking an entirely different language. 

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Google is launching the program one state at a time, beginning back in July with Texas and is steadily adding new states.  Utah and Michigan followed very recently on Texas’s heels.  Ohio is coming on board with events scheduled in late October.  This comes after similar programs were rolled out in Canada, the UK and Ireland.

Search experts/Google watchers like Mike Blumenthal and Matt McGee of SearchEngineLand have noted that Google added some 100+ domains earlier this year, which is evidence of its intention to hit all 50 states.  You can see them all here.

Google has partnered nationally with Intuit, the Association of Small Business Development Centers, SCORE, and Meetup. They host free local events for small business owners to get started with their own basic websites, and anyone who’s interested is invited to visit the state site (like WisconsinGetOnline) to get these same resources.

Participants receive the following:

• A free professional website (courtesy of Intuit)
• A free customized domain name and hosting for one year
• A  local business listing on Google Places
• Free tools, resources, and training

Participants also receive $75 in Google AdWords credit.

After the first year, renewals for the domain name are $2 a month, and the website is $4.99 a month.  So in year one, the website is free.  In year 2 (at currently stated prices) you can have your website for under $85 a year — still quite a good deal.

“This program provides a simple, quick service that is designed to dispel the myth that getting online is hard,” explains Becca Ginsberg, of Google’s Global Communications & Public Affairs. In Google’s view, every small business should be online, and it aims to make that a reality.

While local Web designers might fear that this cannibalizes their market, Google points out that this initiative gets businesses focusing on their Web strategies, which will provide plenty of opportunity for development and growth down the road for designers who may have had trouble convincing local businesses to get online in the first place. And given that the sites are a basic three pages with limited customization or enhancement possible, it seems like sooner or later, many of these businesses will be looking for a professional designer’s services.

The Program at Work

Marilyn Caskey, owner of The Garment Exchange in San Antonio, (whose site is pictured above) was one of those business owners who was reluctant to jump headfirst into having a website. She’d had a one-page, text only site for three years, and had never gotten around to investing in a fully-designed website for her vintage clothing store. Then a Google representative walked in her store and invited her to a free meeting for business owners, just down the street.

Caskey learned to build her own site in three days, including keywords, links and videos. Within a week, she’d made $400 in online sales from out-of-town customers who, they’d said, found her on the first page of search engine results.  She views it as a way to get a decent site in the near term, and as her business grows she expects to upgrade.

Along with it, there are also resources for companies getting started online. Each state’s site offers tools like  the “How-To Guide for Getting Online” (disclosure: Anita Campbell, CEO of Small Business Trends was commissioned to help write this guide) and tutorials on promoting a website.  The tutorials and workbook exercises alone are a useful resource.

Google has plans to roll out this program in all 50 states in the coming months.  So if you are located in the U.S. and you think it’s finally time to get a website up, check out the [your state]getonline.com site for your state.  Be sure to substitute your state’s name in place of [your state], of course.  And if it’s not live yet, calendar a reminder to check back periodically.

From Small Business Trends

Get Online, Google Says: Here’s How

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By taking a hard tack, he’s eliminated (well, reduced) the trash-talking freeloaders and pushed more of the questions visitors have to his forums, where they benefit everyone: “If I get emails from non-customers I tell them ‘Please ask it in our member forums.’ In that way, those who value my opinion have access to my time, and those who do not, do not get any of it.”

It Takes Dedication

Before you get the wrong impression of Wall, know that he’s worked long and hard since founding SEOBook in 2003 to get his business running smoothly. His work ethic and reach got him the distinction of being nominated as a Small Business Influencer Champion. And while he’s consulted for Fortune 500 companies and knows he knows a lot about SEO, there’s always room for more knowledge.

“I still learn a lot, and a lot of that learning comes from our community.  By design our community is smallish, and full of bright members who have all kinds of business advice that really takes SEO to the next level.”

It’s that knowledge he thirsts for, it seems. When asked about his plans for the next few years, Wall doesn’t talk exit or growth strategy; he simply says he wants to spend more time learning and playing, and less time working. “I am more interested in staying nimble than in trying to scale.”

Sound Advice … All of It

Wall is good at taking advice. Like when his wife told him to focus (on building his websites) and filter (what he responds to). Or when a mentor told him that the best brands have their founders’ personalities injected into them, and that he should never apologize for being himself. Or, to summarize, “This is what we do, this is how we do it, and if you don’t like it, go somewhere else.”

As for the advice he’d give, Wall says it’s key to have multiple streams of income:

“That gives you the flexibility to be more selective in what you do and who you work for. It also helps you better understand the value of your time, while lowering your risk profile for if/when any of the streams dries up.”

Aaron Wall was recognized as a Small Business Influencer Champion for 2011. Read more of our Small Business Influencer Champion interviews.

From Small Business Trends

Aaron Wall, Founder of SEOBook, Says There’s No Room for Freetards

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l almost always write first and draw later, but sometimes when I’m really, really stumped I draw something preposterous and hope that I’ll solve it with a good caption. So I drew a conference table with babies in high chairs and a sales graph and I waited. . .

And waited. . .

And continued waiting. . .

It took about three hours or so of thinking, staring, and some intermittent napping, but I finally figured out my puzzle for the cartoon above.

From Small Business Trends

One Word Says It All

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The Credit Card Accountability, Responsibility and Disclosure (CARD) Act, which took effect earlier this year, aims to give consumers who use credit cards some relief from excessive fees and fines.

Like consumers, business owners have been hit by rising interest rates and fees on their business credit cards. Beyond the problems faced by consumers, small-business owners are also hit with rising interchange fees (the costs card issuers charge businesses for accepting credit and debit cards).

Despite these burdens, BusinessWeek reports, the Federal Reserve Board declared that giving small businesses the same credit card protections consumers have would not be worth the potential for higher costs and reduced credit.

What’s the rationale? The report notes that since small businesses generally have higher credit lines than do consumers, banks have a harder time assessing the risks of extending small businesses credit. If banks’ ability to raise interest rates were to be limited, banks would likely protect themselves by restricting access to credit even more and charging higher initial interest rates, both of which would ultimately harm small-business credit-card users.

Bank lobbyists, not surprisingly, supported the Fed’s recommendation.

Would restricting banks’ ability to raise rates really hurt business credit-card use? Bank of America already announced in April it would extend the same protections included in the CARD Act to its small-business credit card users.

Small business credit cards account for only 15 percent of credit card spending, according to research firm Mercator Advisory Group. Data from the Fed report show that, rather than using credit cards as a “credit line,” most small businesses pay off their cards in full every month.

However, the Fed’s report indicates there is some cause for alarm: The share of business owners that carry a monthly balance on small business credit cards has more than doubled between 1998 and 2009, from 5.9 percent to 12.3 percent. Given the Fed’s recommendations, those card users shouldn’t expect relief anytime soon.

From Small Business Trends

No Credit CARD Act Protections for Small Businesses, Federal Reserve Board Says

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